February 17, 2018

Oftentimes, emotions caught us unprepared, will make us feel things we thought we were better off without.

Then suddenly, when you least expect it, when you thought you were doing fine. You will realize that you were never prepared to feel things again, you were never prepared for unsettling feelings to cut across your almost mundane life. Nothing could prepare you to be shaken into pieces, retrospective of your own rationalizations, questioning what you’ve made yourself to believe for the longest time.

Amidst those thoughts, you will have the courage to try. To jump in and give feelings a chance.

December 9, 2018

Walls. After breaking down the whole day of Saturday from 7am to 1 am of Sunday, whilst I promised myself not to do anything stupid again (like drowning several whole pallet of medicine plus other medicines on the side which I did this week, ending up vomiting the whole night and being dizzy the next day)

Sunday morning, as early as 7:15 I built my walls. Literally, black walls inside my mind. I imagined myself slathering and building a big black wall where those negative thoughts and self destructive ideas would be locked up whole day. I won’t see them. Those thoughts would sneak up on me in the morning as it did last Saturday, making me miserable and breaking down the whole day. I don’t want a whole day of crying. My brain began planning my death again (like drinking a bottle of vodka and then jumped off the bridge) but as I promised not to pay attention to those. The wall would closed them off. Whenever they caught me unguarded (which actually happened somewhere in the afternoon) I would push them back in my wall and repair it. It is kinda tiring. To stop for almost 30 minutes holding those destructive thoughts and putting them behind my wall. I hope I can keep it up everyday. As Flash had mentioned, one day at a time.

December 8, 2018

I fucking showed up.
Everything started as early as 7 am. I wasn’t even able to regain some semblance of control over my sanity as they started talking to me. Well, it’s mostly me talking to myself. Up until 10 am, they had managed to gain control over my thoughts, made me feel and think things I’ve been denying and are now planted firmly in my consciousness.

I fucking showed up. Even when I cannot remember how I even managed to wear clothes or walked out of the room.
It will all be over when I’m gone right? I’ve asked myself a million times what wrong have I did to deserve this sickness, I’ve been a good person, helped people as much as I can, participated in the society. I have never wanted anything bad on anyone. It’s all unfair and I badly wanted to be free.

I fucking showed up. Even when these thoughts all tells me that I’m nor worth this life, this existence, that this is not worth the pain of living.
I’ve been crying even in the midst of a workout. I hate people seeing me this way, but I have to show up. I have to fight this. By all that is holy, I’m just so fucking tired of all these battles. No one knows how to fight off things that is all on you, every waking moment is a nightmare. I don’t know how long I can hold it.

I fucking showed up.

December 7, 2018

Three days ago. Tuesday night. I wasn’t in total control of myself. I’ve let the demons talk through me.

5 Tylenol, 5 Bonamine, 5 Cetirizine, 12 Paracetamol, 10 Advil, 3 Escitalopram.

It was a harsh night. I had no one to talk to. I can’t put into words what I wanted to say. I can’t explain myself. I can’t fight these demons that tells me it will be all for nothing.

It starts with one small thought. Telling you you’re not worth it. That it will not work out. That you’re a useless piece of shit and that the only logical solution to end whatever is around you is for you to be gone. It sounds logical, people will have one less problem in the world, because that’s what you are. You feel like a burden to everyone around you, for not being happy enough, for not being good enough, for not being worthy of time, or attention, or affection.

You are so tired of being sad, and empty and tearful, and depressed, and negative, and emotional, and being a burden to everyone. You’re disposable, and like any other disposable things you must be gone and be replaced.

You’re inexplicably tired of having to go through things that tires you out. Of trying to smile and look okay when others are looking, of being strong for very long.

I don’t know how long you can hold it together. What they see is when you’ve broken down, when you have drained all your energy fighting your own thoughts, your own plans of dying, and then when you tried it you failed. All you had next are days of vomiting, of your body trying to get rid of the toxins you intake, of being dizzy and sleepy.

Draining. Drained. All you want is to get some rest.

April 2018

I’m a mess. A fvcked up mess.
I’m not sure anymore if I should be in your life or in anyone’s life.
I keep on fucking things up.
I can’t even get hold of my own emotions so I’ll be messing the lives of people around me.
I’m a wreck. I keep on ruining things for myself because I don’t think I deserve to be happy.
I don’t deserve to be happy.
I can’t follow rules, I don’t listen to people, I am always freakingly afraid of things that won’t even happen.
I always see what’s bound to hurt me and I end up hurting people around me too.
I’m afraid to feel, I’m afraid of my own emotions. I’ll end up crashing and ruining everything.
I don’t deserve anyone.
I don’t deserve this life

March 2016

I don’t want to pretend that I am okay.

There are times in life when there is so much going on you may feel as though you don’t even have a chance to take a breath. You wake up, you get washed and dressed, the day is a blur of events, work, activities, chores, and then before you know it, your exhausted body is melting against your pillow and mattress. Then, in what feels like two seconds later, your eyes are forced open at the sound of the alarm clock. That’s how my life was for the past few months.

December 4, 2018

I woke up fast today. Trying to make up for being so unproductive yesterday.

Yesterday was a first for me. First time I skipped work because I really can’t find the energy to get up. My whole body is in pain.  I don’t know if its the medicine which I took again after skipping for four days and I was really sleepy throughout the day.

I can sleep for days I guess, and still wanting to sleep more.

All I want is to sleep. Life is calling me, I don’t want to listen to it. I just want to go back in the depths of slumber and refuse to all of these things around my mind.